Marriage Advice | From Suffragette Wit to Modern Love Tips
Oh, the joys of vintage marriage advice! Every now and then, you stumble upon a piece of historical gold like this gem titled “Advice on Marriage to Young Ladies.” Written by A Suffragette Wife (a title dripping with as much sarcasm as I plan to use in this blog post), it offers 8 very specific pieces of advice for the “young ladies” of yore. Let’s unpack this, shall we?
Do not marry at all.
Honestly, this one deserves a round of applause. Chef’s kiss to the author for leading with the best marriage advice in the entire pamphlet. Why marry when you could spend your days sipping tea, reading novels, or building a career? Or, more realistically for the time, avoiding being tethered to a man who doesn’t know how to operate a broom.
Now, imagine a woman in 1900 reading this, setting it down, and thinking, But what about my prospects? My reputation? My mother’s incessant nagging? Forget all that noise, darling. Just say no to the corset-wearing Romeo who wants you to hand-wash his socks.
But if you must…
This part feels like it came straight out of a Jane Austen fever dream. Beauty Men? Is that Edwardian slang for a gym bro? And what, pray tell, is a Tailor’s Dummy? A man who looks good in a suit but has the personality of a sock?
And let’s not forget the shade thrown at football enthusiasts. Apparently, in the early 20th century, even then, men yelling about their team’s “brilliant strategy” over Sunday dinner was enough to send women running for the hills. Truly, some things never change.
Look for a strong, tame man…
Translation: Forget romance, girls, and get yourself a handy plumber. He may not write you sonnets, but at least he knows how to light a fire without setting the house ablaze.
The term Yard Swiller is the real MVP here. I had to sit with this one for a minute. Does it mean someone who can swill beer while mowing the lawn? Someone who scrubs the yard clean with gusto? Either way, we’re apparently aiming for the 1900s equivalent of a HGTV handyman.
Don’t expect too much…
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen—the pièce de résistance. This entire sentence is like poetry, brutally honest poetry that leaves no room for argument. It’s almost like the author was sitting in her parlor, watching her husband fail to fix the leaky faucet for the fifth time that week, muttering, You unmanly brute, before furiously jotting down this list.
Lazy? Check. Selfish? Double-check. Heavy-footed? Oh, absolutely—anyone married to a man who stomps around like Bigfoot knows this truth intimately.
All Bachelors are…
The author has clearly been burned by a bachelor or two. She isn’t just warning against them—she’s implying they’re the endgame of doom. Forget the suave image of a bachelor cooking himself a lonely meal; this is the serial dater who lives in his mother’s basement energy.
Let’s also take a moment to appreciate how this advice casually roasts literally every man on the planet. Married? Lazy brute. Bachelor? Possibly Satan incarnate. Good luck, ladies!
If you want him to be happy…
Ah, yes. The time-tested tradition of keeping men happy through a full stomach. As much as this advice feels antiquated, some modern couples swear by this tactic. Have you ever handed your partner a sandwich mid-tantrum and watched their mood do a 180? The science doesn’t lie.
But let’s not overlook the word choice here: brute. Not “gentleman,” not “husband,” but brute. The writer isn’t mincing words—she knows she’s not dealing with Prince Charming; she’s dealing with someone whose bad behavior can only be mitigated by roast beef.
The same remark applies to dogs.
This is both savage and wildly accurate. Comparing men to dogs might seem harsh, but… is it? Dogs are loyal, they love unconditionally, and, yes, they’ll do just about anything for a treat. I’m not saying the author was onto something, but she may have cracked a code here.
Plus, if you think about it, the dog-to-man ratio isn’t entirely insulting. At least dogs don’t leave the toilet seat up.
You will be wiser not to chance it…
And here we are, back to where we started: Don’t do it, sis. If you missed the first warning, here’s a last-ditch effort to scare you straight. Why risk a life spent feeding a yard-swilling brute when you can stay single, enjoy your own company, and sleep diagonally across your bed in peace?
The takeaway here is loud and clear: This author didn’t just have regrets; she had regrets. It’s as if she’s standing in front of a time machine, waving a red flag, yelling, “Turn back now!”
A Modern Spin
Now, let’s be honest: This pamphlet was probably written half as satire and half as a desperate plea from a woman who clearly did not have the greatest experience in the marriage department. But what’s fascinating is how much of this advice still resonates today—albeit with a heavy dose of humor.
Let’s modernize this list for the 21st century:
- Don’t marry at all unless they’ve been through at least two rounds of therapy and know how to load a dishwasher properly.
- Avoid anyone whose life revolves around their gym selfies, fantasy football league, or a “crypto empire.”
- Look for someone who can assemble IKEA furniture without crying—or making you cry.
- Don’t expect too much. Communication takes work, but so does not leaving socks on the floor.
- All bachelors are fine—if they’re also plant dads and know how to text back promptly.
- If you want them to be happy, feed them—but also make sure they feed you. Equal effort, people.
- The same remark applies to your pets: Treat them with love and snacks.
- You’ll be wiser not to chance a life with someone who doesn’t respect you. Find someone who deserves you—or just buy a bigger bookshelf and fill it with romance novels.
Final Thoughts
This pamphlet, for all its snark and vintage drama, is a reminder of how far we’ve come—and how some things about relationships haven’t changed all that much. Whether it’s 1900 or 2025, the search for a decent partner (or the decision to skip the search entirely) is as timeless as the act of rolling your eyes when they forget to take out the trash.
So, take this marriage advice with a grain of salt—or maybe an entire saltshaker—and remember: You deserve more than a lazy brute. Unless, of course, he’s also a Yard Swiller. In which case… maybe.
What do you think? Would this marriage advice have saved you some headaches, or does it just make you appreciate the chaotic beauty of modern love? Drop your thoughts below!
