The Clementine Field Guide For Spotting Rare Christmas Creatures

Welcome, traveler. You’ve wandered bravely into the Christmas wilderness—a land scented with cinnamon pinecones, scorched cookies, and the lingering emotional weight of last year’s simple holiday resolution. Fear not. You are not alone. Here at Her Clementine Collective, we believe in equipping women with the tools they need to thrive, laugh, and occasionally hide in the laundry room until the children stop asking where the tape dispenser went.

Today, we unveil a groundbreaking scientific resource: The Clementine Field Guide For Spotting Rare Christmas Creatures. Think of it as National Geographic, but for the chaotic ecosystem of modern womanhood during the holidays.

Grab your binoculars (or reading glasses), pour your emotional support beverage, and let’s identify the rare—and not-so-rare—species roaming freely through the festive terrain.

1. The Gift Wrapping Overachiever

Latin name: Tapus Dispenserus Maximus

This dazzling creature can be identified by her pristine, color-coordinated mountain of wrapping paper—none of which came from the clearance bin because “the pattern matters.” Her gifts feature origami-level folds and bows that could single-handedly bring Martha Stewart to tears. She has strong opinions about ribbon texture. She owns a label maker. She speaks fluent “double-sided tape.”

If you hear fierce muttering like, “If I see that dollar-store snowman paper on my gifts, I swear…”—you have encountered her.

Habitat: Her dining room table. It has not hosted an actual meal since Thanksgiving.
Warning: Do not offer help. She doesn’t want it. Not even a little.

2. The Emotional Support Coffee Drinker

Latin name: Caffeinum Survivae

This gentle, highly-caffeinated creature can be found clutching a mug like it holds the meaning of life. It might. Her December survival rate increases exponentially with each refill. She will sigh dramatically after every sip and say things like, “Okay. I can do this. Probably.”

Her coffee is not “just coffee.” It is courage. It is stamina. It is personality at this point.

Habitat: Anywhere with an outlet for her mug warmer.
Mating call: “Don’t talk to me until this kicks in.”

She and The Gift Wrapping Overachiever are natural frenemies—one fueled by caffeine, the other powered by sheer, unhinged craftiness.

3. The Online Cart Hoarder

Latin name: Addto Carticus Procrastinatus

A highly common holiday species. She does 98% of her Christmas shopping by adding items to various online carts and then… simply… walking away. She is emotionally attached to them, but not enough to actually hit checkout.

Her carts span across seven retailers and include:

• Three sweaters she swears she’ll wear
• Something fancy for a teacher gift she absolutely cannot afford
• A 64-pack of AA batteries
• A miniature waffle maker shaped like a snowflake

She is planning to purchase these items. Eventually. Maybe. If she remembers. She won’t.

Habitat: The couch at midnight, scrolling with one eye open.
Fun fact: She has renewed six browser tabs labeled “Holiday Gift Guide 2023” because they feel comforting.

4. The Holiday Event Escape Artist

Latin name: Nopeus Socialis

She has mastered the art of the graceful exit. A true magician. She slips out of large gatherings with excuses such as:

• “I have to feed the cat.”
• “I forgot to turn off the stove.”
• “Oh no, I left something in my car.” (She didn’t.)

She cherishes cozy nights, quiet rooms, and pajamas that are 17 years old but spiritually attached to her soul. At parties, she may attempt bravery, but by hour two, she is Googling “Is it rude to leave early?” while quietly gathering her coat.

Habitat: Her home. Always her home.
Defining trait: A mysterious vanishing act—poof.

5. The Sentimental Ornament Archaeologist

Latin name: Tearus Sentimentalia

This tenderhearted creature cannot hang a single ornament without whispering, “Remember when the kids were babies?” and then quietly weeping into the branches. She will stop mid-tree-trimming to retell the entire origin story of every trinket, including the clay snowman missing its left arm.

She lives for the nostalgia. She bathes in it. Her Christmas spirit is 40% memories, 40% emotional sighing, 20% glitter.

Habitat: Kneeling by a tote labeled “FRAGILE—MEMORIES INSIDE.”
Migratory pattern: Moves slowly around the tree in a clockwise direction, pausing often.

If you encounter this creature, offer tissues and a hug. And maybe a cookie.

6. The Frantic Midnight Crafter

Latin name: Hotglu Stikus Desperata

Her energy levels are chaotic neutral. She begins December casually. Calmly. Confidently. And then suddenly—it hits. A school party. A themed spirit day. A last-minute “DIY gift exchange.” And she ascends into craft madness.

At 11:47 p.m., she is operating a glue gun like a surgeon on a deadline. She is muttering phrases like: “Who even invented spirit week?” “Why is this drying glitter so sticky?” “If this ornament falls apart, so will I.”

Habitat: Kitchen island covered in craft debris.
Warning: Approach with snacks. And possibly backup glue sticks.

7. The Spreadsheet Santa

Latin name: Organizus Clausae

Behold, the rarest species of all: the person who is… ready. Her shopping list is color-coded. Her budget tracker has formulas. Her freezer is stocked with pre-portioned cookie dough. She probably owns a laminator.

Is she human? Hard to say. Is she judging the rest of us? Absolutely not—she is far too serene. There’s a little glow around her, like the twinkle lights just prefer her.

Habitat: Wherever things are labeled.
Diet: Order. Structure. A dash of smug satisfaction.

But bless her—if you need something, she’ll have it. Scissors? Tape? A backup ham? She’s your girl.

8. The December Goblin Gremlin

Latin name: I’mfinedon’tlookat Me

Let’s be honest: this creature is all of us at some point. This is the version of ourselves that emerges when we’re juggling school concerts, cookie exchanges, wrapping piles, and that one friend who insists on having a “white elephant gift” that requires both creativity and a second mortgage.

The December Goblin Gremlin may be spotted:

• Stress-eating a candy cane
• Forgetting what day it is
• Bargaining with the universe for just one quiet hour
• Wearing the same sweatshirt six days in a row

She is braver than she knows. Exhausted, yes. But valiant. A true holiday hero.

Habitat: Everywhere. She is omnipresent.
Distinguishing feature: The laugh-cry.

9. The Christmas Morning Philosopher

Latin name: Deepthinkus Jammamae

This contemplative creature wakes early on Christmas morning—not for presents, not for coffee—but to sit quietly under the tree lights and think profound thoughts like:

• “Someday the house will be quiet, and I’ll miss this.”
• “We made it through another year.”
• “What even is time?”

She keeps the season soft and meaningful, reminding us that beneath the chaos and the Target returns and the glitter stuck permanently to the dog… Christmas is a moment to breathe.

Habitat: The couch before sunrise. Sock-clad feet. Blanket. Glow of lights.
Frequency: Increasing with age and wisdom—and the realization wrapping paper is temporary but memories aren’t.

10. The “I Swear Next Year I’m Starting in October” Planner

Latin name: Resolvus Foreverae

This creature exists only in theory, as she has never successfully executed her plan. Every year she proclaims: “Next Christmas, I will be organized.” “Next Christmas, I will shop early.” “Next Christmas, I will not wait until December 22 to lose my mind.”

And yet here she is—right beside the rest of us—living on caffeine and cookie crumbs, ordering things with questionable arrival dates.

But we adore her optimism. Without her, hope would die.

Which Christmas Species Are You?

Maybe you’re one. Maybe you’re three. Maybe you’re all of them before noon on a Wednesday.

Whatever your December instincts, know this: you are wonderfully, wildly human in one of the most demanding months of the year. You’re doing beautifully, even when it feels like you’re piecing the season together with hot glue, caffeine, love, and sheer determination.

And whether you’re the Overachiever, the Goblin Gremlin, or the Emotional Support Coffee Drinker (hi, hello, it me)—there’s room for you here.

The holidays may be messy, but so are we. And isn’t that what makes them sparkle?