Lost in Chanting, Found in Chocolate | My Coven Story

My coven story started the way all good midlife misadventures do: with a poorly worded Facebook event invite.

The event in question was labeled “Full Moon Circle — Women’s Gathering, Snacks Provided.” Now, listen, I am but a humble mom of triplets who will sign up for just about anything with the words snacks provided. I thought it was going to be, you know, a Bunco night with maybe a veggie tray and someone’s famous buffalo chicken dip. Imagine my surprise when I walked into what can only be described as a casual coven meeting.

First Impressions: Not Your Average Book Club

There were candles. So many candles. Like, we get it Lindsey, you went to Bath & Body Works during a buy-three-get-three sale. Incense was smoldering in the corner, casting an aromatic haze over the room that smelled suspiciously like patchouli mixed with regret.

The women all looked like extras from Practical Magic—long flowy skirts, shawls, rings on every finger. Meanwhile, I was in my hoodie and leggings, clutching a Tupperware of Costco cookies because I thought it was polite to bring something. Rookie mistake.

The “Circle”

Before I knew it, I was holding hands with strangers and chanting affirmations to the moon. They called it “casting a circle.” I call it “holding hands longer than is socially acceptable while trying not to make awkward eye contact.”

One woman started humming. Another woman started swaying. Someone mentioned Mercury being in retrograde, which I thought was a fancy way of saying her car broke down.

And then came the cauldron. Yes, a literal cauldron. It wasn’t filled with eye of newt or bat wings, but strips of paper on which we were instructed to write down “that which no longer serves us.” I scribbled “my metabolism” and tossed it in like a champ.

The Snacks (aka the Real Magic)

Here’s the thing: I stayed. Not because I suddenly felt called to lunar goddess worship, but because the snack table was phenomenal.

There was homemade hummus in colors I didn’t know hummus came in—beet hummus, avocado hummus, pumpkin hummus (it’s always pumpkin season somewhere, apparently). Someone had baked sourdough bread so perfect it looked like it belonged in a Renaissance painting. And then there were the brownies. Good heavens, the brownies. Dense, fudgy, sprinkled with just enough sea salt to convince you they were healthy.

You can call it witchcraft or you can call it a woman named Fran who knows her way around cocoa powder. Either way, I was bewitched.

My Initiation (Sort Of)

At one point, a woman with silver hair and the confidence of someone who has definitely saged her basement at least once this week handed me a crystal and said, “This will protect your energy.” I wasn’t about to be rude, so I accepted it like it was a Costco sample.

Then they asked me to join in a chant. Did I know the words? No. Did I mumble along like I was at church trying to fake-sing the third verse of a hymn? Absolutely.

Someone brought out tarot cards. Someone else started drumming on what looked like a repurposed salad bowl. I just nodded and smiled, clutching my brownie like a protective talisman.

Lessons Learned

1. Never underestimate a Facebook invite. “Snacks provided” is a gateway phrase.
2. If you’re ever handed a crystal, just take it. Don’t ask questions. Don’t break the vibe.
3. Brownies taste better under candlelight. This is simply science.
4. Midlife is the perfect time to accidentally reinvent yourself. Some people join Pilates. Some people join MLMs. Apparently, I join covens.

When I Tried to Leave

At the end of the evening, they formed another circle (so many circles) to close out the night. I thought I could sneak out early, but the woman next to me whispered, “Once you open a circle, you can’t just leave it open.”

I don’t know the rules, but that sounded legally binding. So I stayed until the last “Blessed be.”

And let me tell you, it was an oddly empowering experience. Was it weird? Sure. Did I understand what was going on 90% of the time? Not even close. But did I walk away feeling strangely supported, slightly sparkly, and very full of brownies? You bet I did.

Moonlit Musings

So yes, I accidentally joined a coven. Do I plan on going back? Well, that depends—are snacks provided?

Because here’s the truth: I may not know my rising sign, I may never understand crystals, and my idea of a ritual usually involves coffee and Netflix. But there’s something undeniably magnetic about women gathering, sharing, laughing, and passing around baked goods under the glow of the moon.

Disclaimer: This is complete satire. I did not actually join a coven (though the brownies were real in my heart). But, and I cannot stress this enough, I would totally be up for joining one. Anyone know of a coven accepting new members? Preferably one with good snacks.